In late September, 2002, a Canadian citizen named Maher Arar was detained without charges by United States authorities while he was transiting through New York on his way home to Canada from a holiday. Twelve days later, he was kidnapped by the U.S., shackled in chains, and shipped to Jordan and then Syria, where he was imprisoned and tortured for ten months and ten days. While under torture, he made a confession, but an official Canadian government inquiry has found that Arar is not guilty of any crime. The inquiry has found that Canada’s national police force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, sent what turned out to be false information to the U.S. about Arar.
This is not the only questionable activity by U.S. agents. The CIA is suspected of kidnapping an imam in Italy and illegally transporting him to Egypt. In that case, authorities in Italy and Switzerland have launched criminal investigations into the actions of the U.S. agents.
Canada is equally vigilant when it comes to protecting our citizens. Canada’s courageous prime minister, Stephen Harper, has decided to take the strongest possible action. He is planning to write a strongly-worded letter to U.S. President George W. Bush. And, just to show Bush how tough we Canadians really are, Harper phoned Bush the other day to give him a heads-up.
As luck would have it, a draft of the letter from Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to U.S. President George W. Bush was leaked to me, and here is the text:
Dear George:
I am terribly sorry to disturb you. I know that you are busy with the upcoming mid-term elections and I wouldn’t want to take your attention away.
That Mark Foley sure isn’t making things any easier. A sexual predator preying on teenage boys – that can’t help with your friends in the churches. Maybe you should arrange for him to be kidnapped by the CIA and sent to some secret prison and tortured! Hah – hah, just kidding.
But seriously, George, Foley now blames it all on alcohol and says that he is in rehab. That’s one way to dodge the bullet and get some compassion, but I have another idea: Why not say that Foley wasn’t a sexual predator at all. He was doing serious investigation to prove just how dangerous the internet can be when it comes to sex and kids and all that. He has proved his point in a masterful way.
Stick to your knitting, as we say here in Canada. Don’t back down. Don’t sway from your agenda. Mark Foley is a great American who was engaged in an important exercise. God bless America and God bless Mark Foley.
Anyway, that’s not why I was writing.
It’s about this Maher Arar situation – you remember, I spoke to you on the phone the other day.
Some people here in Canada are in a bit of a snit because your government kidnapped him and sent him to Syria to be tortured. Now, normally, I wouldn’t care a whit about these whiners and appeasers, but you have to understand that I’m in a minority government situation here in Canada.
Don’t worry, minority government doesn’t mean that black people are running the show here in Canada.
It means that I just haven’t yet figured out how to get a majority of people to support me (or, under our political system, a majority of the people who actually bother to vote, which means a minority of all the people – well, you know what I mean because you got to be president the first time around even though the other guy got more votes).
So, I have to be extra careful. Which is why I am writing this toughly-worded letter to you. I want Canadians to see me as tough and decisive and not afraid to stick up for Canadians.
Right after I was elected, I hopped over to Afghanistan to mingle with our soldiers. This is a great strategy and maybe you should think about doing it sometime. Maybe you could even use an aircraft carrier. We don’t have aircraft carriers in Canada. We don’t even have much in the way of aircraft. But you do. Think about it. And, if you decide to hang out with soldiers and use them as a patriotic backdrop, then your popularity is bound to increase.
To be honest, soon after I visited Afghanistan, the polls showed that a growing number of Canadians (now a majority) are opposed to our participation in the war over there. But that’s just a quibble. Stay the course. Hunker down. Besides, you don’t have to worry about re-election (sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned this – has Dick Cheney figured out a way to get rid of the constitutional ban on a third term, he did a pretty good job abolishing habeus corpus and that’s a legal principle that’s been around for 800 years).
Now, about this Arar business. Sorry to keep harping on it, but they don’t call me “harper” for nothing. Just kidding. A joke to lighten the mood.
If you have a moment, and if it’s no trouble, could you ask around the office and see if anyone knows anything about this. Or not. Actually, it’s not that big a deal.
Okay, okay. I know that it was our boys – the Mounties – who gave some phoney story to your boys – the spooks. So, I guess you could say that Canada started the whole thing by whispering some silly ideas into the eager ears of some American spy. I want you to know that we have taken the strongest possible action here in Canada. We’ve called the head of the RCMP to a parliamentary committee, where he was forced to apologize. We’re pretty much agreed here in Canada. It’s their fault and the finger-pointing must be clear and decisive.
I have an idea. Why not blame the whole darn Arar thing on Mark Foley. He’s going down anyway, so might as well pile on a few more things. He could blame it on alcohol, or on some priests who assaulted him when he was a kid, or something.
It’s all about assigning the blame.
Just a suggestion.
Sorry to bother you.
Your friend,
“Steve” Harper